Random Thoughts going through my head…

As the title suggests, this entry would be about random thoughts. It means that anything that slips or will be slipping through my mind would be written in this entry. So don’t look for the connection between each line…

I so want to go back in time and return to my younger years. I can’t believe my friends from PSM has changed so much, and still feels like the best friends I ever had when I was young. Would you believe many many years ago passed by? I can’t even believe it until I saw how happy and UNITED they were. I suppose going through life and school with the same people would eventually make all united in some way. How long have I been gone? But we’re not going back there, are we?

Don’t you ever feel like you’re walking in the clouds and that anybody you look at looks up at you and say “Look! A flying freak!”?

Do I sound all so suddenly like Gabriella Montez when I asked the question above? Eww!

And yes, I think something’s happening… AND FAST!

I don’t have a gift for a friend yet. I will buy tomorrow.

I will have the time of my life tomorrow, even if it takes me forever to have that stupid period!

I miss my PSM friends. Gracie will be coming home in the Philippines this Friday. And yes, I hope she has the time of her life. I hope I can meet her before she leaves. I WOULD definitely find the time and the place to see her. YES!!!

I miss Rosadelle. Yes, Rows is one of my closest friends in PSM. Well, 1 year is enough to be close to someone! We’ve played some and laughed some and even cried some. She’s changed, you know, because she’s physically taller I think. LOL!

My dog bugs me. Yes, he does! Yes, he does! Good boy, Marley!!!

“I’m free, I’m careless, I believe!”

I’m sleepy, much…

This isn’t really a very long blog. Maybe slightly long but not THAT long…

I can’t think of anything anymore. Goodnight!

Deck the Andrew Building halls…

Wow! How long has it been since I have last written here? Is that… well, unusual or have I silenced myself recently? Honestly, this is not the only medium I write things about. I have a diary named Duchess Greer, and most of the time I talk to her. Yes, she’s a woman. I have had a total of 3 serious diaries. Unlike Betty Cooper, I am such a useless writer. I haven’t finished any of those three and I guess in Greer’s case, I wouldn’t finish it, too! I just saw a very interesting diary in National Bookstore and I am actually planning on buying one. I don’t get to see new hardbound pretty little things every day, so I just have to have one! And one other thing, I remember Deborah a.k.a “Debbie”, my second diary, she’s actually sort of like a scrappy bookish type of journal. And I think she’s rather pretty (The diary, I mean!) and colorful. That’s how I want my diaries. . . full of life like me!

Anyhoo, see the title? Well, deck the Andrew Building Halls! We would be returning to LaSalle in a couple of days, 2 days actually, to get our course cards. I would be the happiest girl on earth if I pass all of my classes. At least a 3.0 or a 2.5! I would so want to be DL again. Even the slightest hinch would most certainly do! Gee, I wish I would have a GPA of 3.00000001! That would so complete this wonderful Christmas. Have I mentioned I am feeling so lucky this week? I entered two contests on AXN and I have the strongest feeling I’ll win a Keanu TSHIRT! I would really love that. And then there’s this Hugh Jackman and Nicole Kidman movie that I entered as well. I think there’s a journal there that can be won, but I’m not really that sure! Here I go again with the journal thing! I get too talkative at times that I get carried away. And that’s a bad idea, I am telling you! It’s not good! I would love to have a 5000 pieces puzzle that I would finish with my dad. Sort of like a father-daughter bonding experience. Ha! I beat him in Sudoku all the time, and he don’t mind at all! I would really love to buy any adult jigsaw puzzle, since Judith a friend of mine brought it all up. It’s such prettiness what with all those disney characters!

This entry is kinda taking long and I am having a headache right now so I guess I’ll be seeing you!

What you may want to know about me… NOW!!!

Life is rough. It’s a good thing I have sand paper to keep it smooth. When I say sandpaper, I don’t mean the black rough paper that people use to smoothen wood or to light up a match or something. Of course, when I mentioned sandpaper, I meant everything that may make my life smooth, whether it’s people or things. But I still believe life is rough, no matter how many times we smoothen it with sandpaper. I believe that we are all in the same vindication that our life still lack something. We don’t know for sure, but we do feel there’s a hole in our heart. And if I’m not mistaken, this hole can never be filled up that easily, because there are just so many hindrances that we may encounter.

I would be listing some few things about who I am now. I know it’s not really THAT connected from my introduction. I just wanted to introduce the essence of Life in most of us today. But then again, I may still be wrong. I know I’m not always right!

All rightey, let’s get started. I would be jotting down everything about myself and I would be explaining as to why I am like that. I’m not sure how many I would be including, but the point is to get the message in each of it.

ONE ~ I am currently fantasizing a dream of mine, that the sooner I get to a new relationship this year, the sooner I’ll be happy. I have exactly no concrete explanation for this. Basically, I am always daydreaming that I’d be with a guy, and that most of my dreams nowadays involve a guy! I just feel that somehow, I am alone. I don’t have much guy friends, for the fact that I am just too shy to even confront them personally. To some guys, I may be close but… I just don’t know why! Can’t help it, I guess!

TWO ~ I’m really into teaching now, whether or not the money may be small. I guess being the one thing you wanted the most would absolutely make you happy. And I am confident that I would be making a lot of student friends when I become their teacher! It wouldn’t hurt me, for sure!

THREE ~ whenever I see the picture of my former, I just melt away. I just adore guys in glasses! I’m telling you, even drawings of guys with glasses turn me on! It’s true, my ideal guy would have to be tall and probably with glasses.

I’m totally out of ideas right now, but I am most certain that there would come a day that I would elaborate more on this… Right now, I need to get some sleep!

And the crowd goes wild!

Okay, after all the asking and the advice giving and the approaching of everybody else I knew, I have come to the conclusion that would serve as the fatal end to this dilemna I am having.

Let’s be frank. I know I’ve been having this confused feeling these past few weeks. But now, since I’ve talked to most of my friends and their advice seem to be the same and very much effective, and I mean all of them, I would think that what I should do in the next few days would definitely end this fantasy.

Just like in Araby, I know that I’m in this delusion. That for some reason, I’m enjoying my time inside a fantasy world that nobody can ruin. But let’s not forget that it’s not real life. I need to get out of it as soon as possible. It’s killing my senses, making me do things I don’t even want to do, and it’s ruining my body clock!

I don’t want to pretend that it has ended, because seriously it hasn’t. I just want to keep it cool for some time, until I’ve moved on. I want to make sure I’m feeling the right thing, and if I should continue feeling it. It would completely make my day more on the intellectual side, because from now on I’d finally focus on my studies and be inspired (through this crushy feeling) at the same time! After all, I’ve felt this feeling so many times now (have I mentioned I felt it in a lady? Well, she’s an actress and like a friend of mine I know I’m admiring not her kindness and persona, but her beauty. What’s so wrong about that?) I know I’m going to forget about it eventually, until God has given me ample time to think. Maybe then he’d tell me, or show me, who the lucky guy is! If he did tell me in my age now, I just don’t know what I’ll do. This would certainly mean that the time has come, and the crowd goes wild! But I’ll be the only one not going wild, because maybe I won’t be as much pleased as I have to be. That guy would probably ruin everything in the process and hurt me and break my heart, so as long as I’m in college, let’s just concentrate on the basics, and the Honorable Mention diploma and the means to graduate all the same. I would want to pursue an MA in Teaching Literature. I sure wish I’d pass it!

To conclude this sudden intrusion of minds, I would like to emphasize on one thing; that no matter how hard it is to move on to the next, I would certainly never forget how happy I was during the times I had this major crush on him. I still have, but I won’t say it’s major. Did I mention one of my friends told him what I was actually feeling? Would that be normal for a friend to say? I don’t think it is, but I actually dared her to say it, so I guess I was the loser in the end.

At least, somehow, through somebody, he knows. I hope he understands that it’s just a crush and nothing more. I know it’s kind of childish of me to still have a High School Major Crush thing going on, and I plan to stop eventually, but I just can’t stop thinking about him! Let me put it this way. When I think of him through my hardships, like being too stressed of school work, I’d probably smile about it because I know that through reminiscing these memories, I’d grow stronger and not be too stressed anymore. Yes, I am so happy, you could say that. Happy because I smile for him, I laugh because of him, I sing happy songs because of him. And most of all, I am alive because of him…

What’s the use of all this?

There are, big chances, that my family would react to this entry. I should warn you… it’s not as good as it may sound!

Lately, I’ve been crushing on this guy I know and in all due honesty, I want to have him. But the problem is, do I want him? Or is this just a common stage that any girl go through? I mean I’m waiting for something to happen, but I have a strong feeling it would never come. I just asked a girlfriend about it and she said I’d have to let go of it somehow. There’s no harm in letting go, I know, but what if I regret my actions in the end? What if that something comes without me knowing it? Argh! This is frustrating! I’m only 18 and yet I have to experience this stupid fantasy. Yes, I think it’s stupid. I shouldn’t be the one crushing on someone. Someone should be crushing on me! That would be the day!!!

I remember one time, I told him in a very friendly manner that I care for him… That I’d do anything for him to be happy, or to help him, or to make him feel special. Do you know what he said? “Thank you!”. Typical guy replies. So minimal and yet worth a thousand smiles. But I didn’t smile. I laughed! That was such a stupid thing to say to a guy especially when you know he has no eyes for you. You’re just crushing on him! Period!

But why do I feel this way? Why do I have this strong feeling that I shouldn’t stop thinking about him? Why do I need to continue? I don’t know. I think I need help! Professional, I think. But I’d rather not trouble myself revealing something to a professional helper. I’d ask my friends instead.

What if I ask my dad? What would he say? I bet he’d laugh at me and say “Ok lang yan, anak, it’s teenage creed!”

If I’d ask my mom, she’d say I’m too young to be in love. Studies first before guys. I’d be studying all my life. As a future teacher, I also have this fear of never meeting a compatible guy for myself! It’s a teacher’s worst fear, growing old alone.

I sure wish I’d find someone during my 20s! That would be so swell!

Going back, I can’t stand it! I think I have to tell him when I see him. No, I don’t think I’ll ever do that again. When I was in the 5th grade, I remember telling him that. The good thing is… he told me he had a crush on me too! I don’t believe he’ll say the exact same thing now. We’re way older than before and somehow, we know how the world revolves.

What the heck is wrong with me? This is a crushing thing but I’m going crazy saying all that I remember in this blog entry!!! What more if I fall in love? WHAT WOULD THE WORLD BE GETTING INTO???

Great, my best friend just told me to retain the crushing thing. I should stay in this crush state and not move into the next level (Unless absolutely necessary!) who knows? Maybe someday I’d find somebody exactly like him that would make my life complete!

When You Say Nothing… Nothing at ALL!!!

Doesn’t the title already imply what this entry would be about?

Sadly, I don’t think so. LOL

I have just seen Betty La Fea. It made me feel so… alive! I couldn’t believe I’d think John Lloyd is attractive. I think he’s one of those good looking personalities here in the Philippines. Bea is doing well in her role. I think she’s doing it perfectly well!

Right now, for real, I don’t understand what is going on in my heart and in my head. I’m… confused? I don’t know. There are just too many things I’m thinking of. I don’t know why I am thinking about it. Lately, I’ve enjoyed OPM, and I’ve been singing while going home, I’m cheerful, I don’t eat well, I’ve been day dreaming, I’ve been drawing SO WELL, I’ve been preoccupied… I’ve been singing silly friend songs, I’ve been asking so many questions, I’ve been… The list could go on. I don’t want it to go on, because I can feel that I’m somehow just infatuated. Just that. You know? I’ve grown accustomed to his kindness. I’ve never felt like this before. This is insanity! Why am I feeling this way? I should be focused on PREVAIM, KASPIL1, CURIDEV and all the other classes I’m still taking. Gee, I hope I’m still a dean’s lister this term. I’m doing the best I can! I know I can do it! I’ll push hard! I will!

Now that I’m somewhat inspired, maybe It won’t be so hard after all!

“…But then again, I’m glad!”

“…I should have never cried at all!”

“…When you say nothing at all”

What I learned from Morrie Schwartz

It’s not so common for me to cry over a sad movie. I knew that within me, I have this self control over crying. So by and by, when I watch sad and tear jerker movies, I don’t cry! But I find it different for Morrie Schwartz and his wonderful lessons from Tuesdays with Morrie. It’s a wonderful book. But reading it requires a vivid imagination of how the characters look like, or how the story took its place… Luckily, I didn’t have a hard time when I saw the movie adaptation of it. For the first time in my life, I just couldn’t stop crying when I saw it!

Here are some of the lessons Morrie taught not only Mitch, but me as well… I will add my own experiences to further explain them!

1. Once you learn how to die, you learn how to live

~Okay, let’s be metaphorical. Let’s make believe that the dying part applies on a relationship that ended. I’ve been hurt once, and yes, it feels like the end of the world. But that doesn’t mean that that’s the end! It’s not! It’s only the beginning. Why? Because with that ending, we learn to move on! We learn to live once more. We learn that the end doesn’t always mean THE END! It’s the beginning of a new and fresher life!

2. Learn to forgive yourself, and forgive others

~This may be hard. We tend to blame ourselves for the things we didn’t even do. But we regret not blaming ourselves in some cases. Guilt is one futile enemy, if I were to be asked. But as long as we forgive others and ourselves, life goes on as smooth as silk!

I’ve never had a fight that didn’t push me to say sorry. I’ve always had the initiative. And now, we’re friendlier than ever!

3. What’s wrong with being number 2?

~Bottom line is if we’re number 2, we’re sitting right beside number 1. How near could we get??? I’d rather be number 2 than number 10!

4. Death ends a life, not a relationship

~I don’t really have anything to say here. I’m not sure what I’ll have to say!

5. There is no such thing as ‘too late’ in life!

~Yes! If first you don’t succeed, try and try again. And if you try harder, it’s never too late!

So you see, if you’re living, you live your life to its fullest. You borrowed it, and the Lord has lent in to you wholeheartedly!

Here’s Me!

Apart from being too nosy today, I’ve been thinking about somebody in particular. It’s about somebody which most of you may or may not know. Here’s the thing; I can’t get him out of my mind! Why? I don’t understand myself! I don’t! Really! I can’t even last one day without fantasizing his smile, his face, the way he treats me as an ‘ugly’ friend (ugly is what we call each other!) and the way he would always ask me to go to sleep during the nights we were talking… He’ll not want to know I wasn’t sleeping yet.

Okay, so there are catches about this whole thing. First, I don’t know what the hell he looks like right now. I may be fantasizing his face wrongfully or in a different way. Second, I don’t think he feels the same way. Well, he might, but it’s different. Oh, I don’t know! I don’t! Third, well, it’s Christmas, and I sort of promised to give him something. It’s so hard to find something good or appreciative, ’cause I don’t have any idea what he wants!!! Oh, what should I do?

Here’s Me…. I have no idea why I entitled this entry as such. Hidden meaning? Nah! That would be too obvious! Let’s just say I’m singing something related to that phrase!

And I don’t know why…

There are things I’d like to tell you

There are things I’d like to show you

When the right time has come, to let you know what I’ve done

I’ll be glad to let you know

It’s not that I can’t right now

But I’m having a hard time right now

To really get what I’m feeling, if all of it is true

Then I’d be happy to let you know

That I don’t know why, you make me laugh and cry

You make me fall when I know, you’re here to say goodbye

The more you run away, the way you hear my sigh

And I don’t know why… you make me love you

Sometimes, when the right words come out

I find it hard to say it

I find it hard to think that I can say it

Is this for real, is this for sure?

Is this a dream, is this the cure?

Is this a world I’m not supposed to be at?

Or is this the world you want me to be at?

And I don’t know why

I don’t know why I have to be like this

I don’t know if this is the right thing to do

I don’t know if I should feel like this for you

I don’t know why I have to say it

I don’t know why I have to pray for it

And I just don’t know why

I don’t know why

I don’t know why… I have to tell you

You make me love you

And I quote, “Flirting with Rustiness, and Flattering without!”

This would be, and I consider it, another 1706 blog; A blog I write when I’m in the computer lab at school. It’s not a cool thing, you know. It’s not usual for me to do this all the time. Well, maybe if the teachers are not around.

I read my horoscope just before I went to wordpress. It says I’ve been flirting in a rusty way. It added that I should be more flattering to others. Wow! Since when have I been flattering? If I was a man, I could maybe consider myself a flattering individual because of the fact that I am a man. That is IF I WAS ONE, but I’m not. So, I’m not making any sense right now!

Okay, so I still don’t understand this feeling that I have. What if the time came and I was walking with him, AND A FRIEND WHO I’LL DRAG TO COME WITH ME, and he asks me something and I couldn’t look at him straight and all I could say is “huh?” and he’ll laugh at me and… and… ooh! This is embarrassing right now. What if he reads this? What if he finds out I’m “infatuated”? And the bottom line of that infatuation is HIM??? What if I stop now before anything else happens? What if?

This is not for real yet. As I’ve said, infatuation. Period. No erasures. I am, maybe, in cloud nine. I’m floating and I am not able to go down, because I don’t want to. I am in a position where nobody could help me. Only I could help myself, for sure!

Okay, I have to end this entry here. I have to go somewhere now. CLASS!!! PREVAIM!!! SIR MUNOZ!!! BLOCK 4!!! FOR REAL!!!

~April21