Yesterday Once More

“When I was young, I listened to the radio, waiting for my favorite songs…”

I am currently listening to love songs of the olden days, and as I listen, I become inspired in thinking of writing a simple story of how great a love can be! And so I begin this story with a smile on my face:

CONFESSIONS of a not so Teen-aged Little girl:

He sat behind me in our fifth grade class, and although it may seem childish, I fell in love for the first time. He smiled at me whenever I sat in front of him, and I return a hi or a hello, and even a how are you? I don’t know why, but I could almost see the two of us walking down the aisle. He would look at me, and I will look at him, and from then on I knew– he’s one I will never forget, or rather, one I will always remember.

Karl, as I would call him, is one who does not talk that much, who does not tell stories that much, and who does not even care for others that much. Maybe that’s the reason why there’s not much I could say about him. Behind his timidity lies a wonderful world, filled with happiness and contentment. I guess being 11, I didn’t care much what he thinks. All I knew is that I tell him stories about goings on in my life, during that time, and then he’d laugh at my jokes. I did not know it was mutual, and I won’t know in a while. It depressed me one time, when we were doing an activity, and all of a sudden, he fell on the floor, or rather his chair was knocked over and he was in it! It almost made me cry, reminiscing that day. If you saw him lying on the floor, being helped by me and our teacher, you would remember that he had a smile on his face. I thought, “What is wrong with this person? Is he mad? Why would he smile at a time like this? He could be hurt badly!” He did not mind at all. He blew away his pain and went on with his seat work.

I am not quite sure how I almost completely fell in love with him. Being 11, I did not know much what or how exactly loving is. What do I know? I was young. I don’t even think loving someone would change my course of life forever.

There was this one time, that brave little ol’ me got up to my guts and talked to him. I turned to look at him and he just looked at me. And we started talking. I don’t remember much about what we talked about but there was this one particular sentence I said to him. “I like you,” I said. He answered back. “I like you, too. Honestly!” And in some childish way, or another, my heart stopped and it felt almost like I’m flying!

The days were completely fascinating. I can feel that in my studies, I am improving. I was inspired. It was a match made in heaven, I thought. But then again, as the year went by, we changed our seats and it was, I think, the last time I ever talked to him personally.

It was during our sixth grade that I came to feel his feelings for me grow even more intimate. Although we are not on the same class, I could almost say to myself that somewhere on the other end of the corridor, a smiling face would welcome me, and tell me everything he wanted to say. I felt it then. I feel it now. My friends would always tease me, saying things like “He likes you! Isn’t that sweet?” I think it was. Up to this date, I still think it is!

We will reunite one afternoon, when we were in our last year in High School. I have to thank my other friends for arranging this, though. It’s too bad I was engaged to someone else. Well, engage might be a frightening word, so let’s just say I am interested in someone else when we had this talk. We talked about the silliest of things, like him asking me what it is like inside the Cream Section, and me replying that it is incredibly hard and somewhat fulfilling. And he said he enjoyed talking to me. The moment I heard that, I bought ice cream for everybody!

He wrote me a retreat letter, saying that he misses me and that he’ll always be there. And so he did stay in touch. The best joke I’ve heard from him, and I have to admit that this isn’t a very funny one. “What vegetable is white?” “What?” “Puti-to”

It’s silly, isn’t it? But all I have shared is true. It does feel like yesterday, when I first felt love. Like Karen Carpenter would always sing, “Those were such happy times and not so long ago, how I wondered where they’d gone”

I have not spoken to Karl for about 9 months. Come November, it would be a whole year. I’ve hurt him so, because I tend to be too outspoken sometimes. I guess there were times that I get a little intimidating and naive at the same time, which isn’t really a good combination. But I cherished every bit of love and happiness we shared together. I have to admit, that for the first time in my life, the love I felt when I was 11 was true. It is love, and nothing else. I knew then that I will forever remember this love. It’s that kind of love that people wish to have, if ever it will come. It’s the kind of love a man and a woman shares to one another. I am just so happy to voice it out!

Random Thoughts going through my head…

As the title suggests, this entry would be about random thoughts. It means that anything that slips or will be slipping through my mind would be written in this entry. So don’t look for the connection between each line…

I so want to go back in time and return to my younger years. I can’t believe my friends from PSM has changed so much, and still feels like the best friends I ever had when I was young. Would you believe many many years ago passed by? I can’t even believe it until I saw how happy and UNITED they were. I suppose going through life and school with the same people would eventually make all united in some way. How long have I been gone? But we’re not going back there, are we?

Don’t you ever feel like you’re walking in the clouds and that anybody you look at looks up at you and say “Look! A flying freak!”?

Do I sound all so suddenly like Gabriella Montez when I asked the question above? Eww!

And yes, I think something’s happening… AND FAST!

I don’t have a gift for a friend yet. I will buy tomorrow.

I will have the time of my life tomorrow, even if it takes me forever to have that stupid period!

I miss my PSM friends. Gracie will be coming home in the Philippines this Friday. And yes, I hope she has the time of her life. I hope I can meet her before she leaves. I WOULD definitely find the time and the place to see her. YES!!!

I miss Rosadelle. Yes, Rows is one of my closest friends in PSM. Well, 1 year is enough to be close to someone! We’ve played some and laughed some and even cried some. She’s changed, you know, because she’s physically taller I think. LOL!

My dog bugs me. Yes, he does! Yes, he does! Good boy, Marley!!!

“I’m free, I’m careless, I believe!”

I’m sleepy, much…

This isn’t really a very long blog. Maybe slightly long but not THAT long…

I can’t think of anything anymore. Goodnight!

A very quick (or not) view of my closest friends (Hidden under pseudonyms I invented)

Okay, I haven’t done this in a while. Actually, I haven’t done this before! Below is a long long list of closest and intimate friends I have met and would cherish forever. Their names are hidden under pseudonyms. There are clues scattered all over so just take a wild guess as to who they are!

This list is in random! 🙂

1.) a Cluster of Diamonds – Minnie would have to be the best friend I would ever have. She may not always be there to have a conversation with me, but I know she’s the only friend (well, one of the only friends) that would back me up. I met her during the 6th grade and yeah, we clicked. We had flaws, yes, but they’re all unavoidable. Our friendship have been tested several times, but we’re still the closest!

2.) A Joyful Carnation – she would be the only friend who I can confide with faster than anybody. I’ve known her for 5 years but I knew then that she’s one of those intimate friend type. I’ve given her soooo many things already and I know she appreciates all of it. I would always love her, too. I can’t stand a day without talking to her, maybe because I’m not used to not talk to her. And with just an sms, we’d be talking for hours!

3.) Mistress of Thankfulness – She’s a really cool photographer, and she’s a college friend. I’ve been paired with her several times in classes, and we enjoy each other’s company! She’ll be turning 18 this June!

4.) Ginger and Cinnamon – I have never seen any Sakura fan like her. Oh man! She’s really intelligent, and I sometimes envy her. Would you believe she’s 3 years younger than I? And yeah, she’s also one of my closest college friends!

5.) Beautiful as a Mermaid – She’s a best friend, too. Is it normal to have more than one best friend? How can I help it? She’s a really cool friend! She introduced me to a lot of cool things, so I pay respect to her! I can’t leave her alone, you know!

6.) A Keepsake of Memories – I love this guy. He has overwhelmed me sometimes, but I don’t care. He’s been inside my heart for 8 1/2 years now. And like his pseudonym, he’s very memorable!

7.) Amulet of Bearings – she is a funny, and always trustworthy friend I have known since High School, and until now, we’re still together. We go to the same college and share the same course. She is, I AM TELLING YOU, a very funny friend.

8.) Glorious Roses – is my now Canadian Immigrant friend. We’ve been exchanging letters since last year and this year, I plan to continue that. I love her so, even though she’s so far away! I miss you my glorious rose!

9.) Keeper of Victories – is my super small (hehehe) friend. She’s not that small, honestly, but I know she’s always there to talk to me. I am not that close to her, so anyway…. But I love her so! I do, really!

10.) Autumn in Blessedness – is my 4th year high school closest classmate. She’s really pretty and kind, and I do love her dearly. I miss her, too! And I don’t know when we’ll see each other again. But I always find time to greet her and know how she’s doing. I do that, you know!

As you may know, I can’t put everybody here at once! I’ll try to add an entry showing the one I truly loved . . . As if I have a list of that! Hahahahahaha

HAPPY

I’m happy. I’m sure you want to know why. But I won’t tell you the exact reason why I’m happy.

I’ll give you details, though!

1.) My crush smiled at me and made my morning very wonderful!

2.) I passed my Fildlar presentation a while ago

3.) I was able to pay attention to AFROASN even though I think my head is so painful a while ago also

4.) I feel so trustworthy. It’s a good trait for most people, isn’t it?

5.) I was able to watch Matrix Reloaded and fell in love with Keanu again!!!

6.) I am still the high scorer for Geo Challenge!

7.) PERSEF2 is OVER!!!!!

One of these details is the exact reason why I’m completely happy for today. And aside from the very encouraging horoscope I read in Friendster (Which is 80% realistic in my case) I feel so completely satisfied with everything.

Of course, there are downsides of today’s forecast, and I hope as soon as possible, it would be up there in the clouds again, shining, shimmering if not splendid!

Why are people so immature sometimes?

They’re like Gretchen Barretto. Always wanting to be talked about, to be noticed, to be helped or something. I think immaturity is a disgusting act for any person young and old.

Trust, I will repeat, is a very important ingredient in any relationship. And I believe that no matter how long I type the things I wanted to say in this entry, it won’t be enough. There’s not enough room to fit everything here, but then again why should I say something? I’d rather not. But please, I’m not doing anything to hate anybody. I’m just listening. I listen all the time. I don’t jump into any people’s business, but I do listen if they want me to. It’s a gift I give to any friend who treats me as one. I don’t talk that much, I just listen.

If anybody hates me now, please, I’m not doing anything! Promise.

I want you, though, whoever you are, to shine once again. I want you to be sensible, and responsible. You’re not just collecting seashells by the seashore, or rocks or marbles, you are also throwing it back in the water. Not every seashell is bad, so why throw it back there? It’s not how much beautiful a seashell is, it’s the act of collecting them that matters.

If you, whoever you are, understood this idiom, I hope it would definitely help you in fixing the sink…

Photographs and Memories. . .

I just received my High School yearbook today. It sure brought back memories. . .

I had a glimpse of him. I swear a minute or two isn’t enough to make me happy. But a part of me wanted to look on, forget about it. I stared at his picture for the last time today, and then I put the yearbook down.

If I were to choose between the present and the past, weird as it may sound, I’d definitely choose the past. There’s no explanation to it, because I can’t answer why. I just wanted to see whether or not I’ve done the right things, if I’ve chosen the path I’d look forward to in the future. I wanted to make sure I’m doing what is intended for me, what I wanted to happen. I wanted to change a lot of things that are out of control. But I can’t do anything about it, more’s the pity.

I remembered when he asked me if Tuesdays with Morrie is a good book, a must-read. I told him it answered questions I, myself, asked. He said he’d read it. I told him to tell me what he think of it, after he has read it.

It was afternoon, I think, and I was busy thinking of some other things that I’ve forgotten now, when he greeted me with a hello again. It was November 6, and the holiday was almost over. His, clearly, wasn’t done yet. Although I’ve forgotten about the details, I remembered clearly how he joked about a lot of things. Of course, as a sensible and corny person myself, I didn’t get any of his jokes. But it made me happy, and satisfied that he was indeed a friend I could talk to.

I went overboard, but I don’t want to discuss how I went overboard. The details are as unclear to me as any explanation I could give. Apparently, he refuse to talk to me now, and I’ve a feeling I’m never ever going to get a hello from him again. The friendship, I think, is over.

Madonna’s song, Take a Bow, reminds me so much of him. Of course, I’m not thinking he new how exactly I felt. I haven’t told him directly, and I plan never to. I expect he has someone now, and that he’s happy.

I seeked refuge on another friend of mine who I found out just recently is leaving the country. I am not sure if it’s true, or should I believe? I’ve lost too many friends already. I don’t know if I could bear loosing one again!

Studying in Manila isn’t a hard thing to cope with. The thing is I have new friends who would truly devote themselves to our friendship. And although I feel lonely at times, reminiscing every bit of happiness I felt long before, I know I’d wear a smile when my College friends are present. But I still find it difficult to know how far away my other friends are. It hurts to realize how one cannot always be there for the other, the way Friendship has always been viewed. Friends are always there for you, no matter what you decide. They’d support you and love you no matter who you are. It’s kind of hard to be where your friend is, especially since there are different schools we all attend to. It’s both impractical and tiring. Let’s leave it to that, with no communication at the moment. That way, we’d focus on our own priorities and at the same time look forward to the present.

There have been several points I have discussed in this entry. So far, I haven’t clearly mentioned the reason I feel so terrible. There’s emptiness inside of me that I cannot quite understand. Why do I feel so lonely? As I looked on, the yearbook clutched against my hands, slowly flipping the pages that reminded me so much of love and happiness during those days, I felt sad. I don’t understand why I bothered looking at my yearbook. It would definitely frustrate me, and injure the sensitivity of my heart. But I looked at it, hoping that by the faces I see I’d have a smile on my face.

I did have a smile on my face. I was glad to have had that smile, even for a while. I tried to hide the sadness I felt behind that smile. I was hoping he was thinking of me.

Wait, I shouldn’t be saying this. I shouldn’t be hoping he’d be thinking of me. I should move on. I should go somewhere else. I should move forward.

And even though there’s not much sense in what I am trying to reach right now, I should never look back.

There’s no point in looking back. It just makes things worse.

It reminds me of everything. And I don’t want to be reminded of that.

It’s sadness written all over it.

It’s complex and vague.

It’s not my kind of place to stay.

It’s not my kind of drink or food to intake.

It’s hell.

But I can’t help looking back. Somehow, my head works its wonders all on its own. It just won’t listen to me anymore.

My heart does the same as well. It refuses to forget. It refuses to move on.

My mind, somehow, I could control. But definitely not for this particular reason. It has, literally, a mind of its own!

And I can’t help it! It’s childish, and not like me at all. But somehow, whenever I think about it, it makes me feel so happy. I feel so contented. I feel so alive.

As I took the yearbook down for the last time, I reminded myself of how important the pictures in it are to me. And I shall never forget the people found in these pictures. They grew up with me, and laughed with me. They took things seriously and jerked at some.

I just wish they’d be with me for the rest of my life. I can’t seem to live without them, even their pictures. . .